Money & Marriage

It’s no secret that money can be the cause of many disagreements for married couples. President N. Eldon Tanner said, “Overindulgence and poor money management place a heavy strain on marriage relationships. Most marital problems, it seems, originate from economic roots.” For this reason it is important that a couple discuss finances before marriage. They need to know how each other handles their money and make a plan for how they will manage their money after marriage. Unfortunately this is not the way that my husband and I entered our marriage.

In our reading for this week I learned that there is a connection between your birth order and the way you handle money. I had never before heard of this connection between birth order and finances and was surprised to learn that my husband and I both fit very neatly into our respective categories. He is the second born, who hates “being controlled or having someone tell him what to do. Because [he is] quite independent, [he wants] to spend money without having to account for it” (Poduska, pg. 35).   I am the middle born who tends “to go along with whatever budget has been established. Some middle born individuals may distort their willingness to be peacemakers--and to go along with the desires of others--into a dysfunctional desire to please others. Wanting to be accepted and liked by others becomes a top priority” (Poduska, pg. 37).

I grew up in a house watching my parents struggle with finances for many years. I decided that when I grew up, I would not make the same financial mistakes that they had. However, when I met and married my husband that seemed to go right out the window. Although our finances didn’t go as I had hoped, I didn’t ever sit down with my husband and have a serious conversation about our finances. I just went with the flow until we were drowning in debt.

I really wish there was more education for high schoolers and college students about credit cards, debt, and how to successfully handle money. I also wish either or both of our parents had sat us down and had a talk with us about finances when we got married. But since neither of those happened, we should have educated ourselves and been more wise with our money.

In the fall of 2013 we had what I refer to as our “financial awakening.” We realized that we couldn’t keep living like we were and that we needed to make some big changes. Some dear friends that we turned to for advice told us about a book that gave us hope and a plan. We finally had some knowledge and direction about how to be more wise with our money.

We started our “debt snowball” and have been working ever since to be debt free. In a few short months, we should finally reach our goal! It has not been easy, but we have learned to work together to reach this goal and we know it will be worth all of the struggles of the past few years.

In his talk, Constancy Amid Change, President Tanner gave “five principles of economic constancy.”

1. Pay an honest tithing.
2. Live on less than you earn.
3. Learn to distinguish between needs and wants.
4. Develop and live within a budget.
5. Be honest in all your financial affairs.

President Heber J. Grant once said, “If there is any one thing that will bring peace and contentment into the human heart, and into the family, it is to live within our means. And if there is any one thing that is grinding and discouraging and disheartening, it is to have debts and obligations that one cannot meet.”

I know this is true. Living within our means, as church leaders have counseled us to do for years, does indeed bring peace and contentment into our lives and into our marriages!

Becoming One in Marriage

Since the very beginning, God has commanded that there be unity in marriage. In Genesis 2:24 he said, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” And in the Doctrine & Covenants he commanded “Be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine” (D&C 38:27).

Unity in marriage is not an easy task to achieve. After all, marriage is the combining of two different people raised in different homes. Although they may share common beliefs and values, they each come with different personalities, feelings, and life experiences. However, unity must be extremely important as the Lord has commanded us to “be one” on several different occasions. So how do we accomplish this daunting task?

There is a way. President Eyring taught that “the gospel of Jesus Christ can allow hearts to be made one. Those who would believe the truth [Jesus] taught could accept the ordinances and the covenants offered by His authorized servants. Then, through obedience to those ordinances and covenants, their natures would be changed. The Savior’s Atonement in that way makes it possible for us to be sanctified. We can then live in unity.” In other words, as we live the principles of the gospel, partake of sacred priesthood ordinances, and make and keep our covenants with the Lord, our hearts are changes. The Atonement helps us to overcome the natural man and become like the Savior, which allows us to love and serve others as He did.

I know a couple who has beautifully illustrated this process of becoming one. They have been through many trials together, one of which took them on different paths for a short time. But they overcame many odds and have been changed their natures as they have worked through challenges together. Today they are a strong and happy couple who honor and cherish each other and their marriage covenants.

Elder Richard G. Scott said, “Marriage allows [our] different characteristics to come together in oneness—in unity—to bless a husband and wife, their children and grandchildren. For the greatest happiness and productivity in life, both husband and wife are needed. Their efforts interlock and are complementary. Each has individual traits that best fit the role the Lord has defined for happiness as a man or woman. When used as the Lord intends, those capacities allow a married couple to think, act, and rejoice as one—to face challenges together and overcome them as one, to grow in love and understanding, and through temple ordinances to be bound together as one whole, eternally. That is the plan.”

Although challenging, we can become one in our marriages as we strive to live the gospel and honor our covenants. The Lord desires this for us and will undoubtedly help us to achieve this goal!

Purity vs Infidelity

Our world today mocks purity and celebrates sexual promiscuity, even in marriage. If only we valued purity as Joseph did, who withstood many sexual advances from Potiphar’s wife. I admire the strength of character that Joseph showed even when we was in prison and Potiphar’s wife again tried to tempt him. He knew he could not betray his master and that he must be true to the covenants he had made with God.

Years ago President Kimball stated that “infidelity is one of the greatest sins of our generation. The movies, the books, the magazine stories all seem to glamorize the faithlessness of husbands and wives. To the world nothing is holy, not even marriage vows. It reminds us of Isaiah, who said, ‘Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil’ (Isaiah 5:20)” (Goddard, p. 86). This statement was made over fifty years ago, and the world today is much worse. What was not acceptable on television and in movies when I was a kid is very common now. We have become desensitized and more accepting of infidelity.

In 2009 Kenneth W. Matheson, a professor at BYU, gave a talk about this subject called Fidelity in Marriage: It’s More Than You Think. He taught, “Fidelity includes refraining from physical contact—but that is not all. Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife. Inappropriate interactions with another person can erode fidelity.”

There are many people who believe that they can maintain the same relationships with those of the opposite sex after they are married. I have heard people defend this notion and explain that it’s okay because they are “just friends” and that their relationship is “completely innocent.” But there is danger is this idea.

As Brother Matheson taught, “Physical infidelity is only one of the many temptations Satan uses to break up families and marriages. Emotional infidelity, which occurs when emotions and thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse, is an insidious threat that can weaken the trust between a couple and shatter peace of mind. Emotional infidelity doesn’t usually happen suddenly; rather, it occurs gradually—often imperceptibly at first.”

Emotional infidelity begins innocently, but it leads to division between spouses and can be the beginning of physical infidelity. Brother Matheson gave a list of questions to consider to determine if we have a “need for improved spiritual fidelity” in our marriages.

“Are you turning to your friend for comfort rather than turning to your spouse?”

“Do you find yourself thinking about your friend even when you’re at home?”

“Do you seek opportunities to be with your friend even when work doesn’t require you to be together?”

“Do you e-mail and text your friend when you’re not together?”

“Have you told your spouse about these messages?”

“Does the relationship with your friend take more of your time and energy than your relationship with your spouse?”

“Do you compare your spouse to your friend?”

“Would you be uncomfortable introducing your spouse to your friend?

If we consider these questions and are honest with ourselves and our spouses, we can save ourselves and our marriages a lot of pain and heartache. It may be a tough conversation to have, but it will be well worth it if it would preserve the trust and respect in our marriage. This could be beneficial to our families now and for many generations to come.

Cleave Unto Charity

In the end of the Book of Mormon, the prophet Moroni teaches us about the importance of developing charity. He states, “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—

But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him” (Moroni 7:46-47).

Where else is there a greater need for charity than in our relationship with our spouse? It’s all too easy for the natural man to find fault with so many things that our spouses do each day, resulting in negative feelings and reactions towards them. In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard said, “More than we realize, those negative reactions are a choice, a choice to see in a human, judgemental way. But we can also choose to see in a heavenly and loving way. That choice makes all the difference. Charity can be the lens through which we see each other” (Goddard, p. 114).

As I have stated before, my husband is much better at this than I am. He has chosen on many occasions to overlook my flaws and shortcomings and chooses instead to see my redeeming qualities. I love that he is so positive and encouraging and my biggest fan. It inspires me to be as good as he thinks I am. He already understands an important principle that Goddard shares in his book. “When we love our partners the way they are, we don’t care if they change! That is the very thing that liberates them to change. Acceptance is the key to change in those areas where it is possible” (Goddard, p.127).

I have realized that I need to be more like him in this area. I need to choose the lens of charity when looking at him. I need to love him just the way he is instead of pointing out his flaws to him. Because as Goddard stated, “Criticism does not lead to repentance and growth; It leads to anger, defensiveness, and distance” (Goddard, p. 125).

These are not the outcomes I am hoping for in my marriage. So I must seek for charity...for the pure love of Christ for my husband. But how? Moroni taught us what to do in order to obtain this marvelous and essential gift. He said, “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ” (Moroni 7:48).

Anger & Agency

Unless you have your head buried in the sand, it isn’t hard to see that our world today is filled with so much anger. Anger over religion, social injustice, politics, relationships, and many other things are the motive behind many horrible acts committed everyday in many places around the world. Just read a newspaper or watch the nightly news and you will find plenty of evidence of this fact.

Despite the fact that the adversary tries to convince us that we have no control over our anger, Lynn G. Robbins taught in his talk, Anger and Agency, that anger is a choice. He stated, “A cunning part of his strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control. We hear, “I lost my temper.” Losing one’s temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To “lose something” implies “not meaning to,” “accidental,” “involuntary,” “not responsible”—careless perhaps but “not responsible.’”

It’s easy to fall into this trap. It’s easy to feel like a victim and believe that we aren’t at fault. But this isn’t what our Savior teaches us. He teaches us that we have agency and that we can choose. This is an empowering thought and puts the ball in our court.

I remember when I first realized this and that no one could make me mad, or sad, or angry, but that I have the power to choose what emotion I feel and how I will react in any situation. It is important that we understand this in our relationships...especially in our relationships with our spouses.

As Elder Robbins taught, “Aggression, … suppressing the anger, talking about it, screaming and yelling,” are all learned strategies in dealing with anger.” I love this statement. It teaches us that we are in control and that we are responsible for our thoughts and actions. We cannot blame them on others. This is what the war in heaven was fought over...our agency…our divine right to choose for ourselves! What a marvelous gift we have in agency!

Beware of Pride

In 1989 President Benson wrote a timeless message warning us of the dangers of pride. (If you have never read it, you can read it here. It is excellent!) He said, "Pride is a very misunderstood sin, and many are sinning in ignorance." When I read this, I thought, "Yes, there is so much pride in the world today." And I thought of all the prideful people that I know. Myself not included, of course.

Then I came across this paragraph. “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves...It is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous.” As I read this list of prideful behaviors, I realized that I have not escaped the bondage of pride and that I am guilty of many of these.

This is so true! It’s so easy for us to overlook the pride in our own hearts, but see so clearly the pride in others, especially in our spouses. For my marriage class this week we had to complete a learning activity that helped me to see that I have a good bit more pride than I would really like to admit. As I read through the list of “pride games” that many couples play, I realized that I have played many of these games before and unfortunately I am still guilty of playing some of these games.

The "pride games" that I play most often are the silent treatment, fault finding, and getting caught up in who is right and who is wrong. I had never really thought of all of these games as pride, but after reading President Benson’s talk I can see that they most definitely are all about pride. I can see now that when playing all of these games I am focused on myself and my feelings and not considering my husband’s thoughts and feelings at all. If that isn’t selfish and prideful then I don’t know what is.

President Benson further taught that "Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind. Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters...Pride is a damning sin in the true sense of that word. It limits or stops progression. Proverbs teaches us that “Pride goeth before destruction."


Reading this talk was a wake up call for me. Destruction is not what I am seeking in my marriage. I know that I need to change and remove pride from my heart. But how? President Benson taught us how. He said, "The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, submissiveness."

We must humble ourselves before the Savior and seek His mercy and forgiveness in order to overcome pride. It is only in and through Him that we can put off the natural man and overcome the sin of pride in our lives. As we seek to rid ourselves of pride, our relationships with our spouses will be stronger and happier.

Turn Toward Each Other

In his book, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman talks about how intently he watches “Love Lab” tapes. “I watch filled with suspense because I know couples who engage in lots of [turning towards each other] tend to remain happy. What’s really occurring in these brief exchanges is that the husband and wife are connecting--they are attuning by turning toward each other...Each time partners turn toward each other, they are funding what I’ve come to call their emotional bank account. They are building up savings that, like money in the bank, can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they’re faced with a major life stress or conflict. Because they have stored an abundance of goodwill, such couples are less likely to teeter over into distrust and chronic negativity during hard times.”

These small, simple interactions that we have on a daily basis are vital to our marriage relationships and can be telling signs of whether we have a healthy, happy marriage or a marriage that is in trouble. It’s amazing to me that something so small can have such a huge impact on our relationship. This reminds me of D&C section 64, verse 33, which says, "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.”

So how do we “turn toward” our spouse? Dr. Gottman explains that “the first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these mini-moments are, not only to your marriage’s trust level but to its ongoing sense of romance. For many couples, just realizing that they shouldn’t take their everyday interactions for granted makes an enormous difference in their relationship. Remind yourself that being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.”

One thing my husband does to “turn toward” me is to call me during the day when he has a few minutes to spare. He will call to see how things went with getting the kids to school or just to see how I am doing, especially if he knows I have a busy or stressful day. This simple little gesture really does mean alot to me. It tells me that my husband is thinking of me and cares enough to call and check in with me.

One thing I like to do to “turn toward” him is to go get in bed with him for a few minutes each night before he goes to sleep so we can enjoy some pillow talk. He goes to bed really early because his work day starts at 5am, but I usually stay up late doing homework. So I take a few minutes and we talk about the day and what things we have going on for the next day. It is a great way for us to reconnect after a busy evening of homework, activities, and getting the kids in bed.

I challenge you to look for ways to turn toward your spouse. It can be something really simple, but it will make a world of difference in your marriage!