Cleave Unto Charity

In the end of the Book of Mormon, the prophet Moroni teaches us about the importance of developing charity. He states, “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—

But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him” (Moroni 7:46-47).

Where else is there a greater need for charity than in our relationship with our spouse? It’s all too easy for the natural man to find fault with so many things that our spouses do each day, resulting in negative feelings and reactions towards them. In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard said, “More than we realize, those negative reactions are a choice, a choice to see in a human, judgemental way. But we can also choose to see in a heavenly and loving way. That choice makes all the difference. Charity can be the lens through which we see each other” (Goddard, p. 114).

As I have stated before, my husband is much better at this than I am. He has chosen on many occasions to overlook my flaws and shortcomings and chooses instead to see my redeeming qualities. I love that he is so positive and encouraging and my biggest fan. It inspires me to be as good as he thinks I am. He already understands an important principle that Goddard shares in his book. “When we love our partners the way they are, we don’t care if they change! That is the very thing that liberates them to change. Acceptance is the key to change in those areas where it is possible” (Goddard, p.127).

I have realized that I need to be more like him in this area. I need to choose the lens of charity when looking at him. I need to love him just the way he is instead of pointing out his flaws to him. Because as Goddard stated, “Criticism does not lead to repentance and growth; It leads to anger, defensiveness, and distance” (Goddard, p. 125).

These are not the outcomes I am hoping for in my marriage. So I must seek for charity...for the pure love of Christ for my husband. But how? Moroni taught us what to do in order to obtain this marvelous and essential gift. He said, “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ” (Moroni 7:48).

Anger & Agency

Unless you have your head buried in the sand, it isn’t hard to see that our world today is filled with so much anger. Anger over religion, social injustice, politics, relationships, and many other things are the motive behind many horrible acts committed everyday in many places around the world. Just read a newspaper or watch the nightly news and you will find plenty of evidence of this fact.

Despite the fact that the adversary tries to convince us that we have no control over our anger, Lynn G. Robbins taught in his talk, Anger and Agency, that anger is a choice. He stated, “A cunning part of his strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control. We hear, “I lost my temper.” Losing one’s temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To “lose something” implies “not meaning to,” “accidental,” “involuntary,” “not responsible”—careless perhaps but “not responsible.’”

It’s easy to fall into this trap. It’s easy to feel like a victim and believe that we aren’t at fault. But this isn’t what our Savior teaches us. He teaches us that we have agency and that we can choose. This is an empowering thought and puts the ball in our court.

I remember when I first realized this and that no one could make me mad, or sad, or angry, but that I have the power to choose what emotion I feel and how I will react in any situation. It is important that we understand this in our relationships...especially in our relationships with our spouses.

As Elder Robbins taught, “Aggression, … suppressing the anger, talking about it, screaming and yelling,” are all learned strategies in dealing with anger.” I love this statement. It teaches us that we are in control and that we are responsible for our thoughts and actions. We cannot blame them on others. This is what the war in heaven was fought over...our agency…our divine right to choose for ourselves! What a marvelous gift we have in agency!

Beware of Pride

In 1989 President Benson wrote a timeless message warning us of the dangers of pride. (If you have never read it, you can read it here. It is excellent!) He said, "Pride is a very misunderstood sin, and many are sinning in ignorance." When I read this, I thought, "Yes, there is so much pride in the world today." And I thought of all the prideful people that I know. Myself not included, of course.

Then I came across this paragraph. “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves...It is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous.” As I read this list of prideful behaviors, I realized that I have not escaped the bondage of pride and that I am guilty of many of these.

This is so true! It’s so easy for us to overlook the pride in our own hearts, but see so clearly the pride in others, especially in our spouses. For my marriage class this week we had to complete a learning activity that helped me to see that I have a good bit more pride than I would really like to admit. As I read through the list of “pride games” that many couples play, I realized that I have played many of these games before and unfortunately I am still guilty of playing some of these games.

The "pride games" that I play most often are the silent treatment, fault finding, and getting caught up in who is right and who is wrong. I had never really thought of all of these games as pride, but after reading President Benson’s talk I can see that they most definitely are all about pride. I can see now that when playing all of these games I am focused on myself and my feelings and not considering my husband’s thoughts and feelings at all. If that isn’t selfish and prideful then I don’t know what is.

President Benson further taught that "Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind. Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters...Pride is a damning sin in the true sense of that word. It limits or stops progression. Proverbs teaches us that “Pride goeth before destruction."


Reading this talk was a wake up call for me. Destruction is not what I am seeking in my marriage. I know that I need to change and remove pride from my heart. But how? President Benson taught us how. He said, "The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, submissiveness."

We must humble ourselves before the Savior and seek His mercy and forgiveness in order to overcome pride. It is only in and through Him that we can put off the natural man and overcome the sin of pride in our lives. As we seek to rid ourselves of pride, our relationships with our spouses will be stronger and happier.

Turn Toward Each Other

In his book, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman talks about how intently he watches “Love Lab” tapes. “I watch filled with suspense because I know couples who engage in lots of [turning towards each other] tend to remain happy. What’s really occurring in these brief exchanges is that the husband and wife are connecting--they are attuning by turning toward each other...Each time partners turn toward each other, they are funding what I’ve come to call their emotional bank account. They are building up savings that, like money in the bank, can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they’re faced with a major life stress or conflict. Because they have stored an abundance of goodwill, such couples are less likely to teeter over into distrust and chronic negativity during hard times.”

These small, simple interactions that we have on a daily basis are vital to our marriage relationships and can be telling signs of whether we have a healthy, happy marriage or a marriage that is in trouble. It’s amazing to me that something so small can have such a huge impact on our relationship. This reminds me of D&C section 64, verse 33, which says, "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.”

So how do we “turn toward” our spouse? Dr. Gottman explains that “the first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these mini-moments are, not only to your marriage’s trust level but to its ongoing sense of romance. For many couples, just realizing that they shouldn’t take their everyday interactions for granted makes an enormous difference in their relationship. Remind yourself that being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.”

One thing my husband does to “turn toward” me is to call me during the day when he has a few minutes to spare. He will call to see how things went with getting the kids to school or just to see how I am doing, especially if he knows I have a busy or stressful day. This simple little gesture really does mean alot to me. It tells me that my husband is thinking of me and cares enough to call and check in with me.

One thing I like to do to “turn toward” him is to go get in bed with him for a few minutes each night before he goes to sleep so we can enjoy some pillow talk. He goes to bed really early because his work day starts at 5am, but I usually stay up late doing homework. So I take a few minutes and we talk about the day and what things we have going on for the next day. It is a great way for us to reconnect after a busy evening of homework, activities, and getting the kids in bed.

I challenge you to look for ways to turn toward your spouse. It can be something really simple, but it will make a world of difference in your marriage!