Turn Toward Each Other

In his book, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman talks about how intently he watches “Love Lab” tapes. “I watch filled with suspense because I know couples who engage in lots of [turning towards each other] tend to remain happy. What’s really occurring in these brief exchanges is that the husband and wife are connecting--they are attuning by turning toward each other...Each time partners turn toward each other, they are funding what I’ve come to call their emotional bank account. They are building up savings that, like money in the bank, can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they’re faced with a major life stress or conflict. Because they have stored an abundance of goodwill, such couples are less likely to teeter over into distrust and chronic negativity during hard times.”

These small, simple interactions that we have on a daily basis are vital to our marriage relationships and can be telling signs of whether we have a healthy, happy marriage or a marriage that is in trouble. It’s amazing to me that something so small can have such a huge impact on our relationship. This reminds me of D&C section 64, verse 33, which says, "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.”

So how do we “turn toward” our spouse? Dr. Gottman explains that “the first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these mini-moments are, not only to your marriage’s trust level but to its ongoing sense of romance. For many couples, just realizing that they shouldn’t take their everyday interactions for granted makes an enormous difference in their relationship. Remind yourself that being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.”

One thing my husband does to “turn toward” me is to call me during the day when he has a few minutes to spare. He will call to see how things went with getting the kids to school or just to see how I am doing, especially if he knows I have a busy or stressful day. This simple little gesture really does mean alot to me. It tells me that my husband is thinking of me and cares enough to call and check in with me.

One thing I like to do to “turn toward” him is to go get in bed with him for a few minutes each night before he goes to sleep so we can enjoy some pillow talk. He goes to bed really early because his work day starts at 5am, but I usually stay up late doing homework. So I take a few minutes and we talk about the day and what things we have going on for the next day. It is a great way for us to reconnect after a busy evening of homework, activities, and getting the kids in bed.

I challenge you to look for ways to turn toward your spouse. It can be something really simple, but it will make a world of difference in your marriage!