Money & Marriage

It’s no secret that money can be the cause of many disagreements for married couples. President N. Eldon Tanner said, “Overindulgence and poor money management place a heavy strain on marriage relationships. Most marital problems, it seems, originate from economic roots.” For this reason it is important that a couple discuss finances before marriage. They need to know how each other handles their money and make a plan for how they will manage their money after marriage. Unfortunately this is not the way that my husband and I entered our marriage.

In our reading for this week I learned that there is a connection between your birth order and the way you handle money. I had never before heard of this connection between birth order and finances and was surprised to learn that my husband and I both fit very neatly into our respective categories. He is the second born, who hates “being controlled or having someone tell him what to do. Because [he is] quite independent, [he wants] to spend money without having to account for it” (Poduska, pg. 35).   I am the middle born who tends “to go along with whatever budget has been established. Some middle born individuals may distort their willingness to be peacemakers--and to go along with the desires of others--into a dysfunctional desire to please others. Wanting to be accepted and liked by others becomes a top priority” (Poduska, pg. 37).

I grew up in a house watching my parents struggle with finances for many years. I decided that when I grew up, I would not make the same financial mistakes that they had. However, when I met and married my husband that seemed to go right out the window. Although our finances didn’t go as I had hoped, I didn’t ever sit down with my husband and have a serious conversation about our finances. I just went with the flow until we were drowning in debt.

I really wish there was more education for high schoolers and college students about credit cards, debt, and how to successfully handle money. I also wish either or both of our parents had sat us down and had a talk with us about finances when we got married. But since neither of those happened, we should have educated ourselves and been more wise with our money.

In the fall of 2013 we had what I refer to as our “financial awakening.” We realized that we couldn’t keep living like we were and that we needed to make some big changes. Some dear friends that we turned to for advice told us about a book that gave us hope and a plan. We finally had some knowledge and direction about how to be more wise with our money.

We started our “debt snowball” and have been working ever since to be debt free. In a few short months, we should finally reach our goal! It has not been easy, but we have learned to work together to reach this goal and we know it will be worth all of the struggles of the past few years.

In his talk, Constancy Amid Change, President Tanner gave “five principles of economic constancy.”

1. Pay an honest tithing.
2. Live on less than you earn.
3. Learn to distinguish between needs and wants.
4. Develop and live within a budget.
5. Be honest in all your financial affairs.

President Heber J. Grant once said, “If there is any one thing that will bring peace and contentment into the human heart, and into the family, it is to live within our means. And if there is any one thing that is grinding and discouraging and disheartening, it is to have debts and obligations that one cannot meet.”

I know this is true. Living within our means, as church leaders have counseled us to do for years, does indeed bring peace and contentment into our lives and into our marriages!

Becoming One in Marriage

Since the very beginning, God has commanded that there be unity in marriage. In Genesis 2:24 he said, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” And in the Doctrine & Covenants he commanded “Be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine” (D&C 38:27).

Unity in marriage is not an easy task to achieve. After all, marriage is the combining of two different people raised in different homes. Although they may share common beliefs and values, they each come with different personalities, feelings, and life experiences. However, unity must be extremely important as the Lord has commanded us to “be one” on several different occasions. So how do we accomplish this daunting task?

There is a way. President Eyring taught that “the gospel of Jesus Christ can allow hearts to be made one. Those who would believe the truth [Jesus] taught could accept the ordinances and the covenants offered by His authorized servants. Then, through obedience to those ordinances and covenants, their natures would be changed. The Savior’s Atonement in that way makes it possible for us to be sanctified. We can then live in unity.” In other words, as we live the principles of the gospel, partake of sacred priesthood ordinances, and make and keep our covenants with the Lord, our hearts are changes. The Atonement helps us to overcome the natural man and become like the Savior, which allows us to love and serve others as He did.

I know a couple who has beautifully illustrated this process of becoming one. They have been through many trials together, one of which took them on different paths for a short time. But they overcame many odds and have been changed their natures as they have worked through challenges together. Today they are a strong and happy couple who honor and cherish each other and their marriage covenants.

Elder Richard G. Scott said, “Marriage allows [our] different characteristics to come together in oneness—in unity—to bless a husband and wife, their children and grandchildren. For the greatest happiness and productivity in life, both husband and wife are needed. Their efforts interlock and are complementary. Each has individual traits that best fit the role the Lord has defined for happiness as a man or woman. When used as the Lord intends, those capacities allow a married couple to think, act, and rejoice as one—to face challenges together and overcome them as one, to grow in love and understanding, and through temple ordinances to be bound together as one whole, eternally. That is the plan.”

Although challenging, we can become one in our marriages as we strive to live the gospel and honor our covenants. The Lord desires this for us and will undoubtedly help us to achieve this goal!

Purity vs Infidelity

Our world today mocks purity and celebrates sexual promiscuity, even in marriage. If only we valued purity as Joseph did, who withstood many sexual advances from Potiphar’s wife. I admire the strength of character that Joseph showed even when we was in prison and Potiphar’s wife again tried to tempt him. He knew he could not betray his master and that he must be true to the covenants he had made with God.

Years ago President Kimball stated that “infidelity is one of the greatest sins of our generation. The movies, the books, the magazine stories all seem to glamorize the faithlessness of husbands and wives. To the world nothing is holy, not even marriage vows. It reminds us of Isaiah, who said, ‘Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil’ (Isaiah 5:20)” (Goddard, p. 86). This statement was made over fifty years ago, and the world today is much worse. What was not acceptable on television and in movies when I was a kid is very common now. We have become desensitized and more accepting of infidelity.

In 2009 Kenneth W. Matheson, a professor at BYU, gave a talk about this subject called Fidelity in Marriage: It’s More Than You Think. He taught, “Fidelity includes refraining from physical contact—but that is not all. Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife. Inappropriate interactions with another person can erode fidelity.”

There are many people who believe that they can maintain the same relationships with those of the opposite sex after they are married. I have heard people defend this notion and explain that it’s okay because they are “just friends” and that their relationship is “completely innocent.” But there is danger is this idea.

As Brother Matheson taught, “Physical infidelity is only one of the many temptations Satan uses to break up families and marriages. Emotional infidelity, which occurs when emotions and thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse, is an insidious threat that can weaken the trust between a couple and shatter peace of mind. Emotional infidelity doesn’t usually happen suddenly; rather, it occurs gradually—often imperceptibly at first.”

Emotional infidelity begins innocently, but it leads to division between spouses and can be the beginning of physical infidelity. Brother Matheson gave a list of questions to consider to determine if we have a “need for improved spiritual fidelity” in our marriages.

“Are you turning to your friend for comfort rather than turning to your spouse?”

“Do you find yourself thinking about your friend even when you’re at home?”

“Do you seek opportunities to be with your friend even when work doesn’t require you to be together?”

“Do you e-mail and text your friend when you’re not together?”

“Have you told your spouse about these messages?”

“Does the relationship with your friend take more of your time and energy than your relationship with your spouse?”

“Do you compare your spouse to your friend?”

“Would you be uncomfortable introducing your spouse to your friend?

If we consider these questions and are honest with ourselves and our spouses, we can save ourselves and our marriages a lot of pain and heartache. It may be a tough conversation to have, but it will be well worth it if it would preserve the trust and respect in our marriage. This could be beneficial to our families now and for many generations to come.