Three Wolves

About ten years ago, Bruce C. Hafen gave a talk where he discussed the difference between contractual marriage and covenant marriage. He said, “When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.”

“Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth … because he … careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said, “I am the good shepherd, … and I lay down my life for the sheep.”

How committed are you to your spouse? Are you willing to overlook their faults and stay to work through trials together when things get really hard? Are you willing to lay down your life for your marriage? Are you more like the hireling or more like the Savior?

Elder Hafen then went on to explain that “Every marriage is tested repeatedly by three kinds of wolves. The first wolf is natural adversity.” This is something we all face just because it’s part of being human and living on this earth. It may be losing a job or dealing with the loss of a loved one or a number of other things that happen during the course of our lives. Adversity is something we all face and have to learn to deal with and overcome.

“Second, the wolf of their own imperfections will test them.” We all have our  own set of character flaws that we have to work to improve throughout our lives. Some are easy for us to see and overcome. Others may take years or even a lifetime to admit to and try to change. But we all have imperfections that the Lord uses to humble us and bring us to Him for help to change and overcome.

“The third wolf is the excessive individualism that has spawned today’s contractual attitudes.” This is the “it’s all about me” attitude that is so prevalent in our society today. The adversary has convinced us that we have to look out for ourselves before anyone else and that our individual wants and needs are what is most important.

I think that the wolf of “excessive individualism” that Elder Hafen described is the most detrimental to our society and marriage. Many people today enter marriage as a hireling with no real commitment. They are happy to be there as long as they are getting what they want, but at the first sign of trouble, they are done. They cut ties without a thought and never look back. The sad thing is this is totally acceptable in our society. Our society teaches us that it’s all about what makes you happy and fulfilled without a thought for anyone else.

As Elder Hafen said, “The adversary has long cultivated this overemphasis on personal autonomy, and now he feverishly exploits it. Our deepest God-given instinct is to run to the arms of those who need us and sustain us. But he drives us away from each other today with wedges of distrust and suspicion. He exaggerates the need for having space, getting out, and being left alone.”

When we are too caught up in ourselves and more concerned about our own thoughts, feelings, and needs, then we fail to concern ourselves with how our decisions affect those around us. We also don’t bother ourselves with loving and serving those around us. There is not time for that. It becomes all about our wants and desires.

When my husband and I were first married, I realized one day that I regularly told my husband things he was doing wrong and needed to work on, but he never said anything negative about me. When I realized that it was just me pointing out his faults and shortcomings, I even asked him to tell me what I needed to improve or work on. But he never had anything negative to say about me. He never pointed out a single one of my many imperfections. I thought about that and decided that I didn’t need him to point out my faults. I was already aware of what they were, just as he was probably aware of his faults.

Elder Bednar suggested in his talk, Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan, that we ask ourselves, “In my own life, am I striving to become a better husband or a wife, or preparing to be a husband or a wife?” This is what a couple in a covenant marriage do. They seek to work on and improve themselves knowing that if they are each striving to overcome their own character flaws and trying to be more Christ-like, then their marriage will be stronger and happier.  

This was a light bulb moment for me. I was too focused on myself and my feelings and what my husband needed to do to please me and make me happy. I resolved to be more like him, and worry about my own faults instead of his. I knew that his would do much more for harmony and love in our marriage. I knew this was what someone in a covenant marriage would do.

Do you have a contractual marriage or a covenant marriage? I challenge you to do the things that a couple in a covenant marriage would do. Commit to always giving 100% to your spouse and your marriage. Determine what you can do to make sure your spouse is happy and strive to make sure their needs are met. I know if you do these things the Lord will bless your marriage with love and happiness beyond measure.