The Foundation For A Happy Marriage

What do you think makes a happy marriage? If you ask ten different people you are likely to get ten different answers. Society or the media would tell that you that a happy marriage is based on sex. While sex is an important part of a relationship, it is not all it takes to make a relationship happy and successful. Some people might say a happy marriage is based on good communication or the ability to resolve conflicts. But are these things what really makes a marriage happy? After observing thousands of couples, Dr. John Gottman claims that he knows what makes a happy marriage and that he can predict (with 91% accuracy) “whether a couple will divorce after watching and listening to them for just fifteen minutes.”

In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman, a leading researcher in marriage and family studies, explains his belief that the foundation for a good marriage is a solid friendship. He says, “Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately--they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.”

I believe this is true. Creating a lasting friendship with someone is the best foundation for creating a long-term, romantic relationship. Spending time together not only allows you to learn about things that you both like and things you have in common, but it also allows you to observe them in different situations so that you can see what kinds of person they are. This helps you to determine if pursuing a romantic relationship with them is a good idea or not.

When I first met my husband, we followed this pattern. We met at my apartment one day when my roommate had invited him over. We hung out and talked everyday for the next two weeks. We really enjoyed each other’s company and getting to know each other. He asked me out and we continued to get to know each other through a variety of activities with friends and some alone too. The more time we spent together the more we realized we had in common and our affection and admiration for each other continued to grow.

After 16 years of marriage, my husband is still my best friend. No, we don’t have a perfect marriage and we don’t always agree on everything, but we truly enjoy each other’s company.  

In May of 1999, Elder Marlin K. Jensen spoke about the gospel principle of friendship. He said, “Friendship is also a vital and wonderful part of courtship and marriage. A relationship between a man and a woman that begins with friendship and then ripens into romance and eventually marriage will usually become an enduring, eternal friendship. Nothing is more inspiring in today’s world of easily dissolved marriages than to observe a husband and wife quietly appreciating and enjoying each other’s friendship year in and year out as they experience together the blessings and trials of mortality. A recently published report on 25 years of landmark marital research finds that “the linchpin of a lasting marriage … is a simple concept with a profound impact: friendship.”

I believe Dr. Gottman has it right. I believe the foundation to a happy marriage is a deep friendship. So what can we do to strengthen our friendship and our marriage? Here are a few ideas:

• Write a letter to your spouse. We think we don’t have time for writing letters these days, but writing letters is a great way to express your feelings. And it’s always great to have and reread at a later time.
• Set goals together. Whether it’s planting a garden or getting out of debt, setting and achieving goals together is a great way to strengthen your bond and commitment to each other.
• Make time for each other. Life is so busy these days, but make sure you set aside some time for your spouse at least once a week. Enjoy some of the activities you loved doing together when you first met or try something new together.
• Remember the little things. Don’t forget to show your spouse that you know them and the things they like and enjoy. If your spouse loves the Cadbury Eggs (like my husband) that only come out at Easter, then buy some just for them. Or if your spouse loves fishing, plan a night of fishing for a date night. It will mean so much to them.
• Pray for and with your spouse. Nothing can strengthen and preserve your friendship and marriage like praying for and with your spouse. The Lord wants you to have a happy and successful marriage and He will help you achieve that if you just ask for His help and follow His guidance.

I hope this inspires you to strengthen your friendship with your spouse. Look for opportunities to be together and enjoy each other’s company. Make your most important friendship your priority and you will make your marriage stronger and happier!