Marriage Is Hard Work

Elder Bruce C. Hafen told the story years ago of a bride on her wedding day who happily proclaimed, “Mom, I’m at the end of all my troubles!” “Yes,” replied her mother, “but at which end?” I remember as a young girl thinking the same thing. I believed that one day my Prince Charming would find me and we would be married and walk off into the sunset to live “happily ever after.”

I know I wasn’t alone in this faulty assumption about marriage. I’m not sure why many people are lead to believe this is the way married life is, but unfortunately it is not true. But why? We spend so much time dating and getting to know someone and trying to determine if they are a good marriage partner. I think that once we commit to marriage, plan a wedding, and then make it through the wedding we start to believe that the hard part is over. We have found the one that our soul longs to be with forever. We believe that our love is strong and will carry us through the rest of our lives and that “happily ever after” is all there is left to do.

Except, we don’t count on all the trials and hardships that come when two different people raised in two different families with different personalities and different values, beliefs, and ways of doing things. In his book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard said, “Since marriage is God’s finishing school, we should expect more afflictions or challenges in marriage than in any other arena of life.” He goes on to explain that “In every relationship there is inevitable tension. It is often worse in marriage than other relationships, in part because we share so much--money, time, food, space--even our own bodies.”

I believe that being a missionary for my church before I got married helped me tremendously with this. As a missionary, we would get a new companion (another missionary, usually someone we had never met or didn't know very well) every few months. This was really good practice for learning to live with different people with different personalities and backgrounds. We not only had to learn to live together, but we also had to learn to work well together and have harmony in our companionship so that we could be lead by the Spirit and be effective servants of the Lord. Learning to live with my husband was certainly an easier transition because I had learned so much from living with different companions as a missionary. However, it brought it's own set of challenges, such as, figuring out finances, learning to deal with in-laws, and trying not to be so irritated that he would do such horrible things like use the kitchen towel to wipe his mouth.

So what are we to do? How do we overcome these marital trials? Goddard says that we have two choices. We can “chafe and struggle in unsatisfying relationships, or put our natures on the altar for God to change.” In the Book of Mormon, King Benjamin teaches us that “the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord” (Mosiah 3:19).

The natural man is not capable of having a happy and successful marriage. “Our untamed, uncivilized, unconquered, unchanged natures are ill-suited” for “happily ever after” (Goddard, p. 38). We must realize this fact and humble ourselves before the Lord and seek His mercy, grace, and loving guidance to overcome to trials we face in marriage. We must make His Atonement a part of our daily lives to overcome the natural man and develop Christlike attributes that will help us to see our spouse as the Lord sees them and love our spouse as the Lord loves them.

This decision is not one that we make just once. Each and everyday of our lives we must “decide anew whether to live by the guidelines of the mind of Christ or the imperatives of the natural man.” This will be a difficult task, but each time we choose to put off the natural man and yield to the promptings of the Spirit, it will get easier and easier and eventually become a natural part of us and how we live our lives each day.

Yes, marriage is hard work that will require a lifetime of determination, but it is worth every bit of sacrifice that is required!

The Foundation For A Happy Marriage

What do you think makes a happy marriage? If you ask ten different people you are likely to get ten different answers. Society or the media would tell that you that a happy marriage is based on sex. While sex is an important part of a relationship, it is not all it takes to make a relationship happy and successful. Some people might say a happy marriage is based on good communication or the ability to resolve conflicts. But are these things what really makes a marriage happy? After observing thousands of couples, Dr. John Gottman claims that he knows what makes a happy marriage and that he can predict (with 91% accuracy) “whether a couple will divorce after watching and listening to them for just fifteen minutes.”

In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman, a leading researcher in marriage and family studies, explains his belief that the foundation for a good marriage is a solid friendship. He says, “Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately--they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.”

I believe this is true. Creating a lasting friendship with someone is the best foundation for creating a long-term, romantic relationship. Spending time together not only allows you to learn about things that you both like and things you have in common, but it also allows you to observe them in different situations so that you can see what kinds of person they are. This helps you to determine if pursuing a romantic relationship with them is a good idea or not.

When I first met my husband, we followed this pattern. We met at my apartment one day when my roommate had invited him over. We hung out and talked everyday for the next two weeks. We really enjoyed each other’s company and getting to know each other. He asked me out and we continued to get to know each other through a variety of activities with friends and some alone too. The more time we spent together the more we realized we had in common and our affection and admiration for each other continued to grow.

After 16 years of marriage, my husband is still my best friend. No, we don’t have a perfect marriage and we don’t always agree on everything, but we truly enjoy each other’s company.  

In May of 1999, Elder Marlin K. Jensen spoke about the gospel principle of friendship. He said, “Friendship is also a vital and wonderful part of courtship and marriage. A relationship between a man and a woman that begins with friendship and then ripens into romance and eventually marriage will usually become an enduring, eternal friendship. Nothing is more inspiring in today’s world of easily dissolved marriages than to observe a husband and wife quietly appreciating and enjoying each other’s friendship year in and year out as they experience together the blessings and trials of mortality. A recently published report on 25 years of landmark marital research finds that “the linchpin of a lasting marriage … is a simple concept with a profound impact: friendship.”

I believe Dr. Gottman has it right. I believe the foundation to a happy marriage is a deep friendship. So what can we do to strengthen our friendship and our marriage? Here are a few ideas:

• Write a letter to your spouse. We think we don’t have time for writing letters these days, but writing letters is a great way to express your feelings. And it’s always great to have and reread at a later time.
• Set goals together. Whether it’s planting a garden or getting out of debt, setting and achieving goals together is a great way to strengthen your bond and commitment to each other.
• Make time for each other. Life is so busy these days, but make sure you set aside some time for your spouse at least once a week. Enjoy some of the activities you loved doing together when you first met or try something new together.
• Remember the little things. Don’t forget to show your spouse that you know them and the things they like and enjoy. If your spouse loves the Cadbury Eggs (like my husband) that only come out at Easter, then buy some just for them. Or if your spouse loves fishing, plan a night of fishing for a date night. It will mean so much to them.
• Pray for and with your spouse. Nothing can strengthen and preserve your friendship and marriage like praying for and with your spouse. The Lord wants you to have a happy and successful marriage and He will help you achieve that if you just ask for His help and follow His guidance.

I hope this inspires you to strengthen your friendship with your spouse. Look for opportunities to be together and enjoy each other’s company. Make your most important friendship your priority and you will make your marriage stronger and happier!

Three Wolves

About ten years ago, Bruce C. Hafen gave a talk where he discussed the difference between contractual marriage and covenant marriage. He said, “When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.”

“Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth … because he … careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said, “I am the good shepherd, … and I lay down my life for the sheep.”

How committed are you to your spouse? Are you willing to overlook their faults and stay to work through trials together when things get really hard? Are you willing to lay down your life for your marriage? Are you more like the hireling or more like the Savior?

Elder Hafen then went on to explain that “Every marriage is tested repeatedly by three kinds of wolves. The first wolf is natural adversity.” This is something we all face just because it’s part of being human and living on this earth. It may be losing a job or dealing with the loss of a loved one or a number of other things that happen during the course of our lives. Adversity is something we all face and have to learn to deal with and overcome.

“Second, the wolf of their own imperfections will test them.” We all have our  own set of character flaws that we have to work to improve throughout our lives. Some are easy for us to see and overcome. Others may take years or even a lifetime to admit to and try to change. But we all have imperfections that the Lord uses to humble us and bring us to Him for help to change and overcome.

“The third wolf is the excessive individualism that has spawned today’s contractual attitudes.” This is the “it’s all about me” attitude that is so prevalent in our society today. The adversary has convinced us that we have to look out for ourselves before anyone else and that our individual wants and needs are what is most important.

I think that the wolf of “excessive individualism” that Elder Hafen described is the most detrimental to our society and marriage. Many people today enter marriage as a hireling with no real commitment. They are happy to be there as long as they are getting what they want, but at the first sign of trouble, they are done. They cut ties without a thought and never look back. The sad thing is this is totally acceptable in our society. Our society teaches us that it’s all about what makes you happy and fulfilled without a thought for anyone else.

As Elder Hafen said, “The adversary has long cultivated this overemphasis on personal autonomy, and now he feverishly exploits it. Our deepest God-given instinct is to run to the arms of those who need us and sustain us. But he drives us away from each other today with wedges of distrust and suspicion. He exaggerates the need for having space, getting out, and being left alone.”

When we are too caught up in ourselves and more concerned about our own thoughts, feelings, and needs, then we fail to concern ourselves with how our decisions affect those around us. We also don’t bother ourselves with loving and serving those around us. There is not time for that. It becomes all about our wants and desires.

When my husband and I were first married, I realized one day that I regularly told my husband things he was doing wrong and needed to work on, but he never said anything negative about me. When I realized that it was just me pointing out his faults and shortcomings, I even asked him to tell me what I needed to improve or work on. But he never had anything negative to say about me. He never pointed out a single one of my many imperfections. I thought about that and decided that I didn’t need him to point out my faults. I was already aware of what they were, just as he was probably aware of his faults.

Elder Bednar suggested in his talk, Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan, that we ask ourselves, “In my own life, am I striving to become a better husband or a wife, or preparing to be a husband or a wife?” This is what a couple in a covenant marriage do. They seek to work on and improve themselves knowing that if they are each striving to overcome their own character flaws and trying to be more Christ-like, then their marriage will be stronger and happier.  

This was a light bulb moment for me. I was too focused on myself and my feelings and what my husband needed to do to please me and make me happy. I resolved to be more like him, and worry about my own faults instead of his. I knew that his would do much more for harmony and love in our marriage. I knew this was what someone in a covenant marriage would do.

Do you have a contractual marriage or a covenant marriage? I challenge you to do the things that a couple in a covenant marriage would do. Commit to always giving 100% to your spouse and your marriage. Determine what you can do to make sure your spouse is happy and strive to make sure their needs are met. I know if you do these things the Lord will bless your marriage with love and happiness beyond measure.

Same-Sex Marriage...What's the Big Deal?

Last June, the Supreme Court declared that same-sex marriage is legal in all 50 states. This long awaited decision has caused much debate and frustration for many people in our country. There are many who felt this was long overdue and celebrated the decision, and many who still remain firmly against it. I am in the latter group. Why? Is it because I am intolerant and small-minded? No, although this is the label given to many who voice opposition to same-sex marriage. I have compassion for those who are in a same-sex relationship and understand why they would want to make their love and commitment to each other in a formal and binding manner. However, I do not believe this means we need to redefine a social institution that has been around since the beginning of time.

For my class last week I had to read the entire ruling for this case. It was both interesting and disheartening to say the least. If you have strong feelings about this issue, as I do, I encourage you to read it. Just make sure you have plenty of time and bring a snack because it's over a hundred pages long.

It was wonderful to hear the opinions of the four dissenting justices, which I don't remember hearing anything about last summer. Their voices seemed to have been concealed by the media and the celebration that immediately followed the ruling. They gave some alarming warnings that I think everyone should read for themselves in order to understand exactly why this decision should bother everyone that lives in and loves America and the Constitution. I would like to share three of the points that were made by the dissenting justices.

The first one is from Justice Roberts, who said, "Understand well what this dissent is about: It is not about whether, in my judgment, the institution of marriage should be changed to include same-sex couples. It is instead about whether, in our democratic republic, that decision should rest with the people acting through their elected representatives, or with five lawyers who happen to hold commission's authorizing them to resolve legal disputes according to law. The Constitution leaves no doubt about the answer.”

“Justice Curtis explained that when the ‘fixed rules which govern the interpretation of laws [are] abandoned, and the theoretical dissenting opinions of individuals are allowed to control’ the Constitution’s meaning, ‘we have no longer a Constitution; we are under the government of individual men, who for the time being have power to declare what the Constitution is, according to their own views of what it ought to mean.'"

No matter what your opinion on the subject of marriage, every citizen of the United States should be concerned about this ruling and the power that the Supreme Court usurped when they made this decision. This should have been left for the states to determine and not the Supreme Court, which is supposed to “say what the law is, not what it should be” as Justice Roberts stated in his dissent. I believe that our country is in danger when we allow men to distort the Constitution and use it to further their personal agenda or views. We the people must put a stop to this abuse of power and make our government a government of the people once again.

Justice Thomas gave a warning about religious freedom in his dissent. He said, “Aside from undermining the political processes that protect our liberty, the majority’s decision threatens the religious liberty our Nation has long sought to protect...In our society, marriage is not simply a governmental institution; it is a religious institution as well. Today’s decision might change the former, but it cannot change the latter. It appears all but inevitable that the two will come into conflict, particularly as individuals and churches are confronted with demands to participate in and endorse civil marriages between same-sex couples.”

I agree with Justice Thomas that this decision conflicts with religious freedom, which our nation has tried to protect since its beginning. It has already happened with several small business owners who refused to give service to same-sex couples because of their personal, religious beliefs. The same-sex couples sued and won, requiring the business owners to pay huge fines. This decision will only bring about more such cases and more conflict and division in our country. Religious freedom is important to many Americans and this ruling has many questioning how it will impact churches and people of all faiths in the future. Only a few sentences in the ruling talked about protecting religious freedom, which is cause for great concern.

The last point from the dissenting justices that I would like to share is from Justice Alito. He said, “The family is an ancient and universal human institution. Family structure reflects the characteristics of a civilization, and changes in family structure and in the popular understanding of marriage and the family can have profound effects. Past changes in the understanding of marriage—for example, the gradual ascendance of the idea that romantic love is a prerequisite
to marriage—have had far-reaching consequences. But the process by which such consequences
come about is complex, involving the interaction of numerous factors, and tends to occur over an extended period of time. 'We can expect something similar to take place if same-sex marriage becomes widely accepted. The long-term consequences of this change are not now known and are unlikely to be ascertainable for some time to come. There are those who think that allowing
same-sex marriage will seriously undermine the institution of marriage. Others think that recognition of same-sex marriage will fortify a now-shaky institution.' At present, no one—including social scientists, philosophers, and historians—can predict with any certainty what the long-term ramifications of widespread acceptance of same-sex marriage will be."

Indeed. we do not know how this decision will affect generations to come. So how can these justices just change the definition of marriage without knowing the long term effects? How can they just decide that this is a good thing for our society when no research has been done to see how it will affect families, communities, and nations? I believe it will have many negative effects on our society, especially where children are concerned. Our children and grandchildren will be the ones that see the devastating effects that this decision will have on society.

As a Latter-Day Saint, I believe that “marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children,” as taught in The Family: A Proclamation to the World. In a talk entitled Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan, Elder Bednar taught, “The natures of male and female spirits complete and perfect each other, and therefore men and women are intended to progress together toward exaltation. Alone, neither the man nor the woman could fulfill the purposes of his or her creation...Because of their distinctive temperaments and capacities, males and females each bring to a marriage relationship unique perspectives and experiences. The man and the woman contribute differently but equally to a oneness and a unity that can be achieved in no other way. The man completes and perfects the woman and the woman completes and perfects the man as they learn from and mutually strengthen and bless each other. “Neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord” (1 Cor. 11:11).

Men and women are very different, and have different roles and responsibilities as husband and wife and this is precisely the way that God intended for it to be when He created us. Independently, men and women cannot achieve what we can together. We need each other in order to overcome the trials of this life and become what God intends for us to become. It is a beautiful and eternal truth.

Redefining marriage also means redefining parenting. It is essentially saying that both a father and a mother are not necessary. The proclamation also teaches us that “Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony,  to be reared by a father and a mother.” Children need both a mom and a dad in order to grow and develop into healthy adults. Elder Bednar also taught, “Both a man and a woman are needed to bring children into mortality and to provide the best setting for the rearing and nurturing of children. A home with a loving and loyal husband and wife is the supreme setting in which children can be reared in love and righteousness and in which the spiritual and physical needs of children can be met. Just as the unique characteristics of both males and females contribute to the completeness of a marriage relationship, so those same characteristics are vital to the rearing, nurturing, and teaching of children.”

Children need both a mother and a father love them and care for them. I know this is has been true for me when I was growing up. I learned things from my father that my mama could not have taught me as well. It has also been true for raising my own children. My husband has a different relationship with our children than I do. Sometimes they prefer to talk to me about things, and sometimes they need him to discuss things with him to get a different perspective or just because it's something I may not understand or do as well as he does. We naturally love and protect them in different ways, making our home a more complete environment for our children.

Same-sex marriage is a big deal. Even though the world and now the Supreme Court tell us that same-sex marriage is legal and should be a normal part of our society, we know this is not part of our Heavenly Father’s plan for his children. His truths are eternal and do not change with time or with the opinions of men. As Elder Nelson stated in his talk, Disciple of Jesus Christ, Defenders of Marriage, “The day is gone when you can be a quiet and comfortable Christian...The future of marriage and of countless human lives will be determined by your willingness to bear solemn witness of the Lord and live according to His gospel." It is time for us to take a stand and be defenders of marriage and family. Our children's future depends on it.

Divorce...Decide Now That It's Not An Option

When I was a child, I remember worrying about my parents getting a divorce...not because they had a bad marriage. In fact, they had a pretty good marriage. Their marriage wasn’t perfect and they had their share of disagreements, but they loved and respected each other and were committed to each other. I think I worried because I saw watched my cousins whose parents were divorcing and I thought about how difficult it must be to not live with both your mom and dad. Of course there were the perks...at least through the eyes of a child...getting two birthday parties and two sets of Christmas presents to open. But I just couldn’t get past the thought of not seeing and talking to both my mom and dad everyday. So I worried, but for no good reason because my parents had decided many years before that they were getting married and staying married. They even travelled from North Carolina to Utah (because that was the closest temple to them at the time) to be sealed for time and all eternity in the House of the Lord. They got married with the the idea that it would last forever, not until things got hard.

Fast forward twenty-five years and now I have a little girl who worries like I used to. My husband and I have a great marriage. We love each other and agree on most things, but not everything. If we disagree..even over something trivial, my daughter starts questioning us over and over, “Are y’all getting a divorce?” I have never really understood her anxiety over this because my husband and I don’t fight. We never raise our voices at each other. We never have. It just isn’t who we are or how we do things. And then I remembered that I used to worry about the same thing, not because of my parents, but because of other parents around me. I realized she was probably worrying because of the things she saw outside of our home. So we sat her down and explained that we love each other very much, and even if we disagree, we still love each other and are committed to our marriage. We explained that we will continue to have things that we don’t always agree on, but we decided before we got married that divorce was not an option for us. We got married to stay married and to learn and grow together and build a family that would last, not only for this life, but forever.

We have become a society that throws away everything without trying to repair or make things work, including our marriages. Now I’m not saying that no one should ever get a divorce. I know there are reasons why a divorce is sometimes the way it has to be and that both spouses have to be committed to making the marriage work. However, I do believe that as a society we give up on marriage too easily and take the easy way out.

In a talk on Divorce in 2007, Elder Dallin H. Oaks, a prominent leader in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, said, “The concept that society has a strong interest in preserving marriages for the common good as well as the good of the couple and their children has been replaced for many by the idea that marriage is only a private relationship between consenting adults, terminable at the will of either...Modern prophets have warned that looking upon marriage ‘as a mere contract that may be entered into at pleasure … and severed at the first difficulty … is an evil meriting severe condemnation,’ especially where children are made to suffer.”

The world teaches us that it’s okay if things don’t work out with your marriage. It’s not a big deal. Just get a divorce and try again. Not much thought is given to how children’s lives are affected by these decisions. Paul Amato, who is well-known for his research in social science, studied the effects of family change on children. His study shows “that children growing up with two continuously married parents are less likely to experience a wide range of cognitive, emotional, and social problems, not only during childhood, but also in adulthood...He shows that compared with other children, those who grow up in stable, two-parent families have a higher standard of living, receive more effective parenting, experience more cooperative co-parenting, are emotionally closer to both parents, and are subjected to fewer stressful events and circumstances.” Children with married parents have a huge advantage over those with divorced parents.

Elder Oaks further stated, “...for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation. Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache.”

Many people who were asked five years after divorce are not any happier, and some even wish they had not divorced. As Elder Oaks said, “...a good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection.” The Lord wants us to have a happy and successful marriage. He will bless us and help us to achieve this if we are committed to Him and ask for His guidance.

Obviously, divorce is a big deal. It has a huge impact on the lives of all family members, as well as communities and nations. We must change the way we think about marriage. We must decide that marriage is not something to toss like yesterday’s newspaper, but something we treasure and fight to protect and preserve. And we must teach our children this too. We must teach them to decide now that divorce is not an option.